Friday, May. 25, 2007 - 10:02 A.M.
Dear Diarylanders,
I have been out of touch with posting for several months. There is a lot going on familywise that I can't share here but it is nothing new, same old stuff that we all deal with and some pieces of Joy in between.
Personally, I still wake up at times forgetting that Richard is dead and then the realization hits me so hard that I sob. And go back to sleep to hide in that world of freedom from thoughts. I have such vivid dreams at times, here is one I had last night:
I was in a resort setting and recognized Anna Nicole Smith's voice. I turned and she introduced herself and next thing I knew we were going to her home. When we arrived, there was a big black door that was hard to open. It was a replica of a casket lid, how strange I thought, as we entered past white silky clouds of fabric. Anna offered me a drink and I chose a bottle of Italian water. There were people walking by in ghoulish costumes and the women had grey skin. Everyone except Anna, she looked terrific and had on a skin tight beaded dress and bright red lipstick.
I said: I'm sorry to hear of your son's death. She smiled. I started to ask about her baby daughter but she cut me off with "It's for the best, she's fine". I think at that point I realized that she was dead and so was everyone else in the place. Jerry Falwell was standing talking to a weird looking woman and he looked alive but she looked ashen and was crying. There was music that sounded like Enya's "Only Time". I woke feeling unafraid of dying. I can't think of words to describe it. I just feel okay about it. I wish I could describe how strange it was to see highly unlikely people in this place together in a peaceful existence.
I am still going to college and I love to learn. I will be 59 years old soon. I have a new Toyota Corolla. I miss Richard but have him in my heart at all times. I will not marry again. I do have a friend who is 67 who will never marry again either. We both dislike the same things, we are both on the same planet of finances and we are like two old shoes together. This is good because I need to have someone I can trust. He is a hermit so we talk on the phone a lot. I look things up on the Internet for him. He trusts nobody and I tend to be too trusting. He is an retired police officer so we balance each other out.
Thanks to all of you that email me, I read every piece. I read my fav diaries and look at our old pictures and think of way back when this whole thing began. And it will always be there. On the Internet, wherever that is, I still wonder where this place is that holds us suspended in time.
My Best To You Always,
Kidneygurl
